Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Ask Crankset!

Here's something that may be an occasional offering on CycleDog. Ask Crankset! is an advice column written by an experienced cyclist, Wally Crankset, who answers all your cycling-related questions!

Dear Mr. Crankset,
I met a guy at the local coffee shop and we seemed to hit it off well. He seems nice, very athletic and trim because he's a cyclist, but I'm wondering a little bit about his legs. He shaves them! He asked me out to dinner, but I'm worried that he might be...um...not really manly, if you know what I mean. What should I do?

Dear Uncertain,
Truly committed road racers shave their legs. There are lots of reasons for this, but mostly it comes down to tradition. Don't worry about it. Instead, invite him to your place for dinner and make something with lots of pasta. A racer's heart lies directly through his stomach. Good luck!

Dear Mr. Crankset,
My fiance is semi-retired and looking for something to do with all his time. Frankly, he's underfoot entirely too often and it's interfering with my singing career. He's been a cyclist all his life, but now he's talking about a career in politics! The last thing I want to do is hang around in Washington as a politician's wife! What should I do?

Dear Vexed,
I fully agree with you. No one wants to be the spouse of a politician! But changing his mind may take some planning. Try to set aside a quiet evening. Light some candles and pour him a glass of wine. Then make him a nice dinner, preferably something with lots of pasta. Afterward, have a heart-to-heart with him, and recommend he get a more honorable job, like a pornographer or an internet spammer. He'll come around!

Dear Mr. Crankset,
My husband gets grease stains all over his clothing when he works on his bicycle in the garage. I've told him again and again to be more careful, but he simply ignores me! He doesn't have any other bad habits. He doesn't smoke, drink, swear, or chase other women. He doesn't hunt or fish. But he's such a slob I'm ashamed to be seen with him! Every piece of clothing he owns has a grease mark or a what he calls a chainring tattoo on it! What should I do?
Mrs. Clean

Dear Mrs. Clean,
What are you complaining about, woman! The guy doesn't smoke, drink, or chase other women AND he doesn't hunt or fish! What's a little grease? Tell you what, fix him a nice dinner with lots of pasta and count your blessings!

Dear Mr. Crankset,
My girlfriend wants to start doing training rides with me, but I'm afraid she doesn't have enough road savvy or good conditioning. What the best way to tell her that I'd rather train alone?
The Intimidator

Dear Intimidator,
Crush her on the very first hill you encounter. Break her spirit and her will. Reduce her to a quivering, teary mess, then send her home to make you a nice dinner with lots of pasta.


Blogger Yokota Fritz said...

Mmm, pasta.

I think that's what I'll make for dinner tonight.

5:46 PM  
Blogger The Donut Guy said...

I think I'm gonna ask my wife if I can get a new bike.

I've been a good boy:-)

5:09 AM  

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