Stock Tip! (Satire)
Soylent Energy LLC, a research division of the J. Swift multinational petrochemical giant, has developed an innovative, far-sighted approach to the problem of dwindling energy supplies in spite of the continued increase in worldwide demand. In one bold stroke, Soylent Energy tackles two problems facing the western world: energy consumption and over-population.
In a press conference earlier today, company spokesman Alfred Packer said, "Analysts at Soylent Energy have read the research paper done by Karl Ulrich and were very impressed with it. It inspired this novel approach to the energy market, an approach that combines simplicity with a far-reaching vision of the future of our planet, and if I dare say so, the very existence of mankind. Soylent Energy has always been a leader in environmentally friendly, bio-diesel research, and this new initiative thrusts our company to the forefront of worldwide energy development. We're proposing an entirely new energy economy based on utilization of the nation's excess body fat. Our parent company, J. Swift, calls this a modest proposal toward energy independence. We think it's much more than that!"
The paper Alfred Packer referred to is "The Environmental Paradox of Bicycling" by Karl T. Ulrich. He wrote:
"Coley (2001) argued that the energy efficiency of human-powered transportation is typically overestimated because of a failure to account for the latent energy associated with the production, processing, and distribution of the food that provides the energy for human power. Higgins and Higgins (2005) argued that the body fat of the overweight population is actually a significant and environmentally beneficial potential source of energy for transportation."
Packer said their focus was on the last statement regarding the potential untapped energy resource of an overweight population and went on to say that this new initiative benefits both individuals and the nation. Those with, shall we say an ample supply of body fat would be capable of supplying enough Soylent Bio-Diesel to run a small automobile for a week. He envisioned a network of checkpoints throughout the country, screening individuals for suitability as energy resources. They would be 'encouraged' to make a donation toward our nation's energy independence. Lean, fit people would be of little interest for this program, but would not be turned away if they volunteered.
Packer went on to say, "It's patriotic! It reduces our dependence on foreign oil, reduces the population of those obese people sucking up the bulk of the health-care, and reduces our need for big fat cars and SUVs since we'll have fewer big fat people."
Former professional cyclist Eddy "The Cannibal" Merckx has been signed as a spokesman for the European advertising, and the company says it may sponsor a soccer team in the near future.
Media packets are available by contacting Alfred Packer directly.
Soylent Energy LLC closed 9 5/8 higher on the NYSE after the announcement.