Friday, April 25, 2008

Ask Doctor Crankset


(Image from

We join 'Doctor' Wally's radio show already in progress....

Wally pushed the flashing button on the console and said, “Go ahead caller, you're live on the Ask Doctor Crankset radio show!”

“Uh, hi. Your show is about bicycles, ain't it?” They guy sounded wary, his voice bristling with hostility.

“Why yes, it is,” Wally chirped. “We discuss a wide variety of bicycling-related topics, but we welcome all viewpoints. Could I have your name, please?”

“Yeah,” the voice hesitated for a moment. “I'm Larry. I just want to say that we need to stop supporting you anarchist, bike riding hippies with our taxes! Gas is pretty expensive right now and I don't see any reason those of us in cars should put up with a bunch of freeloaders like bicyclists clogging up our roads. And the government wants to put part of OUR money aside for a bunch of rich, white cyclists who don't have real jobs. You commies support this kind of thing because it's another Bolshevik privilege and the cash would be better spent on infrastructure, not the leisure activities of the upper-middle-class. These biking bastards are always out to steal the street and funding from working people who really need it.”

He slammed the receiver down and was gone.

“Wow”, Wally said sarcastically, “That left a mark! I think I may have to go off in the corner to have a good cry.” Wally paused. “On the other hand, I'm tempted to ask if Larry's mom knows her son is an idiot, but that would be wrong. Larry, you're mistaken in thinking that cyclists are freeloaders. We pay taxes just like you do. We have jobs to go to every day, and we choose to go there on bikes. When I checked last, going to work didn't really qualify as leisure time, but it's clearly more fun that driving. Call back if you want to discuss this further.”

Wally's console lit up and he punched the button for the next caller. “Go ahead caller, this is the Ask Doctor Crankset radio show!”



Blogger Jennifer said...

I'm confused: Are we communists or anarchists? Freeloading hippies or the wealthy leisure class? Clogging the roads or stealing road money for bike trails?

12:29 AM  
Blogger Ed W said...

That was adapted from a real complaint from a motorist. About the only hot button I missed was to adding 'liberal' somewhere.

My friend Gary says we have an obligation to speak out in opposition to misguided speech or hate speech whenever we encounter it. I agree with that. I go a little further and insist we need to subject those people to public ridicule as well.

6:44 AM  

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