Devastation in Ronam, Texas

(The following does not reflect in any manner on the city of Manor, Texas, and its bicycle ban. Huh-uh. No. Not ever.)

This is a transcript from the ten o'clock news broadcast.

The city of Ronam, Texas disappeared overnight, seemingly swallowed up by the earth itself in a cataclysm of Biblical proportions.

Billy Bob Ignatowski, Ronam city manager, was fortunate to survive the devastation through an accident of timing. He was out of town for a church convention in Dallas when news of the disaster reached him. He has this to say for local television:

I was astonished and horrified to see that story about Ronam on the TV. I was sittin' at the bar in Big Willie's Exotic Dance Studio, studyin' sin up close when the news report came out. The bartender started yellin' about the disaster and he turned the TV way up. The dancers stopped and we all watched the news coverage. It was awful. It was like the hand of God smote Ronam and smashed it flat, just like them stories in the Old Testament or one of them Japanese Godzilla movies. It'll ruin property values. How'd I get this talcum powder all over my lap?

Image "Eve and the Snake" from Fabiogis50 on Flickr.

Cletus Ignatowski, Ronam's chief of police, was equally lucky to escape the destruction. He was performing his duty at a traffic stop with some errant bicyclists from nearby Nitsua when the ground beneath his feet trembled.

It sounded like a big truck rumblin' by. Then the ground started rolling around. Houses collapsed into their foundations and I could hear people screaming. It all lasted a minute or so, and then everything was quiet. That's when the snakes started crawlin' up out them cracks in the ground! Thousands of 'em! They was slithering and crawling everywhere, but then the clouds of locusts came up out of them same cracks! They flew around for a minute or two, then settled onto the ruined houses. They ate everything! Kitchen appliances, laptops, color televisions, even remote controls. I dove into my car! They tried to eat that too, but the weird thing was they left them damn bicyclists alone! That's when I knew they was in league or something. They're a bunch of godless hummasexule librals, dammit! So it makes sense. They're keepin' good people from goin' to church on time. Why, the collection plate last week was off about five percent. People are afraid to leave their houses! They're Eee-ville-ah! If they were good, Christian people rather than dirty communist hippies, they'd be going to church too, drivin' cars like normal people! But they're Eee-ville-ah!

Dr. Walter Crankset, resident Armageddonologist and head of the Apocalypse Studies department at the University of Northeastern Oklahoma extension campus in Broken Elbow, rushed to Ronam to inspect the damage.

Ronam sits atop a notoriously unstable soil that was deposited in the late Sebaceous Period, roughly ten thousand years ago. That coincided with the disappearance of the Piltdown Man, the Simplex Man, and the early tribes of the Good Humor Man. As everyone knows, those early Good Humor tribes were fond of practical jokes. As the glaciers retreated, they managed to sell Kansas to the other tribes, telling them that it was the land of milk, honey, and low, low, discount prices. Many went to Kansas where they took positions on the school boards...

When reporters asked about the sudden appearance of snakes all over the ruins of Ronam, Dr. Crankset has this to say:

That really is an oddity. All the ones I've seen are Northern Texas Low Brow snakes, and they're widely believed to be an endangered species. I've never seen this many in one place before. The Offstage Indians have a legend that the god Bono-bono dug a huge pit and lead all the stupid people into it. They transformed into Northern Texas Low Brow Snakes and crawled back up out of the pit. Forever afterward, if someone was believed to be abysmally stupid, one of these snakes was invariably found nearby. They seem to be attracted to stupid. But like I said, I've never seen this many before, though there are a good many in Kansas too.

Our reporters will remain live on the scene in Ronam as this story develops. Stay tuned for more news right after this....