Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Saddles and Loss...

A happy cyclist
Smiling as he spins along
The grin masks his pain

Earlier this week, noted researcher Dr. Walter Crankset of the University of Southern Oklahoma extension campus in Broken Elbow announced the preliminary results of his study of the long-term effects of bicycle saddles on both men and women. He studied a diverse group of male and female subjects who had ridden bicycles extensively in their youth. Dr. Crankset was startled to discover that almost the entire group had suffered adverse effects.

Among the men, one hundred percent had ridden a bicycle at least once. Dr. Crankset found that of those men 70 and older, a high percentage had experienced loss of hearing, loss of hair, loss of attention, and had lost interest in their spouses. Many complained bitterly about the losing their television's remote control or the morning newspaper. In fact, this was a more significant problem than the loss of sexual interest in their wives.

Youthful bicycle riding was also universal among the women studied. Similarly to the men, most had lost interest in their spouses. But that was the only similarity. A high percentage had also lost their car keys or lost their husbands in a shopping mall. Unlike the men who'd lost remote controls, the women were surprisingly nonplussed about losing a husband. One said, “Well, the dog got lost for a few days but he eventually wandered home. I expect Herb can do the same!”

Dr. Crankset theorized that the bicycle saddle was responsible for all these ill effects. “It cuts off blood flow to the important parts of the human anatomy! People get so self-absorbed by the effect that they simply forget how to do other tasks like regular breathing, eating a balanced diet, or getting rid of tell-tale lipstick marks after a night out playing cards with the guys! The saddles don't cause direct, observable damage, but they produce secondary, indirect effects that can have devastating results!” Unfortunately, there's little hope of relieving the symptoms suffered by the elderly test subjects.

Dr. Crankset is developing a prototype bicycle saddle that does not cut off blood flow, thereby mitigating the danger. The saddle is expected to be available sometime early in 2008, provided it can pass rigorous safety standards proposed by the Whee, Cheatum, and Howe legal firm of Lagos, Nigeria. Meanwhile Dr. Crankset and his attorneys are looking for suitable volunteer testers willing to invest a small amount of money in an effort to make bicycle riding safer for all of us. The testers will each receive a prototype saddle – codenamed “The Big Willy” by the legal staff – along with a detailed spreadsheet to track their experiences with the new saddle design. Those interested in both pursuing this exciting line of research and investing in a product with such enormous potential are urged to contact Dr. Crankset or his attorneys in their offices in the former imperial palace in Nigeria. They accept all major credit cards, or alternatively they can work out payment plans via bank debits thanks to the generous support of a wealthy member of the royal family now engaged in international banking.


Blogger Paul Tay said...

This has gone way too FAR. With all the time Santa spends in the saddle, Mrs. Claus doesn't find saddle sore jokes very funny at all.

9:58 AM  

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