WKRP in Cincinnatti

Image from DVDTOWN.COM. Les Nessman (standing) and Dr. Johnny Fever on WKRP in CINCINNATI.

There was an episode of WKRP in Cincinnati in which a severe thunderstorm spawned tornadoes across the state of Ohio. Les Nessman, the station newscaster, was asked if he had an emergency announcement warning the area of the threat. “No,” he replied, “but I do have one in case we're invaded by the communist Chinese!”

“OK, use that. But every where it says 'Chinese' substitute 'tornado'.”

The resulting announcement was bizarre, to say the least, as Les warned the listeners about the “godless tornadoes” roaring into the area. So I've done something similar, substituting...well...you'll figure it out.

The following is satire, I think:

I respect automobile drivers. I even drive myself from time to time, but there's no excuse for some of the behavior I've witnessed recently, particularly the wanton disregard of traffic lights and the speed limit.

I pay my taxes just like everyone else, and I expect our government to use those tax monies wisely. I object to the use of those monies to provide facilities for those who break the law with impunity by running red lights, speeding on our streets, scattering pedestrians, and imperiling everyone else on the road. The actions of these drivers are a stain on the whole of the driving public. I watched an intersection one afternoon as cars and trucks rolled through the stop sign one after the other. The only ones who stopped did so because there was cross traffic. Even a police car blithely rolled through without stopping.

Many of these people regard speed limit signs as mere suggestions or even a challenge. They routinely drive at 5 or 10 miles per hour over the limit, the 'fast' speeders stacking up behind the 'slow' speeders in the passing lane, forming a conga line of lawbreakers.

I strenuously object to paying for facilities set aside for the exclusive use of these people who are bent on terrorizing the rest of the population. Don't they know that their gasoline money goes to countries advocating violence against good, honest Americans? In effect, those lawless motorists are in league with terrorists, using their vehicles to mow down fellow Americans, and giving their money to those who would destroy us.

It's time to put a stop to all of that. Do it for the children orphaned by these reckless drivers. I'm not implying that all motorists are a danger to themselves and others, but the law abiding ones are few and far between. If their lawlessness continues, I see no reason to extend respect or consideration for any of them. I see no reason to spend my tax dollars to build wider, smoother roads so they can kill people more efficiently – and not be late for work. Frankly, until they begin to behave as responsible adults and obey the traffic laws, they don't deserve better roads. They'll only drive faster, anyway, and the new roads will be just as congested as the old ones.

If we want safer streets, we need safer drivers. A first step would be to forbid the use of any cellular telephone while driving. Likewise, we could reduce the incidence of distracted driving by removing all radios and cup holders. Eating or smoking in a motor vehicle while it's in motion should be outlawed as well. Motorists will still manage to crash, however, so we can make crashes more survivable by requiring the use of 5 point seat belts and mandatory crash helmets.

Any fool can get a drivers license and usually does. It's time we made the process of getting a license far more difficult and costly. A drivers license costs LESS than a hunting license, but apparently it too is a license to kill.

I look forward to a day when we'll be able to convert highway medians into parks where our children can play without fear of being dismembered by a runaway truck or a drunken motorist. I hope to see major intersections converted into baseball diamonds where children can play whiffle ball without being reduced to a puddle of bloody, ground meat with a few teeth sticking out, next to a broken pair of glasses and a torn sneaker.

"As God is my witness, I swear I thought turkeys could fly!"

I just had to say that!...............Ed