Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Wednesday Musette

(Image from

A new Aldi's opened a few weeks ago just around the corner from our house. Mary needed some dishwasher soap, so while we were out running errands, we stopped there for a box. Big mistake. Sure, the stuff is cheap, but if it doesn't actually clean dishes, what good is it? We were not impressed. The store doesn't take any form of plastic, not even debit cards, nor do they accept checks. Low, low discount prices and non-existent customer service. What's not to love?

I expect it will be another vacant store front within a year.

(Image of Fat Boy from

I know you'll think this is outrageous, but my wife thinks I'm stupid. Not merely stupid about women this time, but utterly witless and without a shred of common sense.

She was telling Lyndsay an ancient tale about baby sitting back when she was a teenager, probably in Bedrock for Wilma Flintstone. It was a girls night out, and when they finally returned at 3AM, the girls were loaded. They'd gone to see the Chippendales and they were perhaps overly enthusiastic.

Mary said she'd never seen them.

I stopped her right there. “Honey, if that's what you want, I'll just take off my shirt and start dancing around the kitchen!” I wouldn't want her to be disappointed.

Mary and Lyndsay started laughing. Lyndsay had to lean on the counter top. Mary laughed so hard she hyperventilated and had to go sit down quickly.

They never take me seriously.

(Image of snoring Lego Man from

Another thing about me that anyone within earshot should know – I snore. Oh, it's not a little purr of contentment, or even a light sawing noise. Nope, I snore loud enough to rattle the windows and convince the neighbors there's a maniac loose with a chainsaw in their back yard. I'm LOUD!

I once woke up in my armchair to find two neighbor's kids looking in through the window, wondering aloud what was making that awful racket.

Needless to say, my spousal unit is less than pleased with the noise some nights. For that matter, so are the kids since I'm perfectly audible from their rooms.

I can fall asleep easily too, something that my body learned to do when I worked the midnight shift for a few years. I just have to stop moving, close my eyes, and in a few minutes I'll be out. I can even sleep sitting upright, a feat that greatly embarrassed Mary when I fell asleep on an airliner and snored loud enough that people several rows away were looking around for the source of the noise.

So it's probably not too surprising to know that when I'm rasping away in bed and She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed is trying to fall asleep, I get kicked or punched once in a while. Well, there was that time she held a pillow over my face because she'd had only 45 minutes of sleep, but sleep deprivation does tend to make people a little testy.

Yesterday I told her I was going to the pharmacy to get some Breathe Right strips or some of those tongue strips that are supposed to prevent snoring. My thoughts on this were two-fold. First, I could avoid another night of interrupted sleep as she thumped me, kicked me, or shook me awake again. And second, Mary could get a good night's sleep too. (I'm not entirely selfish, after all.) I was getting my keys when she asked what I was doing, so I explained about the Breathe Right strips, etc.

“Oh, no,” she said, “you don't need to do that.”

“Honey, I know it bothers you, so I really don't mind trying these things.”

“It's not that,” she replied. “I just kinda like kicking you.”

Today she said. "You didn't snore last night. It made me sad."

No wonder I hurt some mornings.


Blogger Jamie said...

Ah, another nocturnal log-sawer. Those Breathe-Right products actually do work, from what I've been told by my more-than-patient spouse. And she doesn't mind not having a nocturnal punching bag.

12:19 PM  

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