Friday, May 01, 2009

This just in...

Broken Elbow Meteor News

May 2, 2009

By Preston Thermopolus

In a press release on Friday, Dr. Walter Crankset announced that the City of Broken Elbow received the coveted 'tin' award from the League of Armenian Bicyclists. Dr. Crankset said that the award was largely due to the efforts of Chester Neibelung, the city bicycle and pedestrian coordinator, who was instrumental in the planning and installation of bike lanes throughout the city.

Mr. Neibelung has taken time away from his used car lot and graciously volunteered to spearhead the bike lane effort in Broken Elbow. His bold plan includes bike lanes in alleys, along low-traffic residential streets, and even resulted in the construction of a wide, smooth sidewalk along the street in front of his house, replacing the old one which was cracked in places. By a happy coincidence, Chester's brother, Armand, runs the construction company that did all the work for the city. Other public officials called it an outstanding example of public/private cooperation.

The Broken Elbow Public Works department had a dedication ceremony for the new bike lane along residential Elm Street connecting Second Avenue to Third Avenue. City officials wanted to point to the new facility with pride, but unfortunately it was entirely blocked by the parked cars of those same city officials, their staff members, local media, and several police cars. The three-feet wide lane with it's painted stripe could be seen between the bumpers of the cars, however.

Dr. Crankset praised the new Elm Street bike lane, noting that it connects two popular destinations for cyclists: the Broken Elbow Municipal Garage, and a large cow pasture. He also remarked that it will serve to keep cyclists more alert of road conditions as the lane varies from several inches to three feet in width. It also crosses numerous storm drains, driveway ramps, and large potholes.

In keeping with the new bicycle friendly spirit, the Broken Elbow City Council passed an ordinance requiring bicyclists to use the new lanes whenever one is adjacent to the roadway.

I read the newspaper over Wally's shoulder. "I don't think he picked up on the sarcasm, Wally. How'd you get him to run the story?"

"It was easy," Wally replied. "He was on deadline and desperate. I bought him a couple of drinks down at Larry's, told him a tale, and he took off with the rest."

"Neibelung is going to come looking for you. Just be careful his brother doesn't end up pouring a cement slab over your body."

"Fester?" We'd called him that since high school due to his remarkable resemblance to Uncle Fester on the Addam's Family. "He's so dumb he'll think I'm being nice to him for once. When he was a kid, his tricycle had training wheels. He can't even ride a bike but he's the bicycle coordinator!" Wally huffed.

Outside, a thunderstorm rumbled across town. "I have a bad feeling about this," I said as rain pelted the windows.



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