Saturday, June 13, 2009

No soap...

Earlier this week, I bicycled home on a afternoon with temperatures in the upper 80s. That's warm. I take time to adapt to increasing temperatures - which is a polite way of saying I sweat copiously. It will be worse in July and August. Regardless, by the time I arrived at the house, I was fairly stinky. A quick shower was essential.

I tossed my sweaty cycling clothes into the basket, stepped into the shower, and recoiled in horror. We were out of man soap. A pretty little bar of lady soap sat in its place, wafting a flowery aroma and offering to gently exfoliate my skin (whatever that is) while making it satiny soft and 'fresh.' It had little bits of oatmeal. I desperately looked for a crucifix to protect myself from the demonic thing.

Wrapped in a bath towel, I went off in search of She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed.

"We're out of soap," I said.

"No," she replied, "there's a bar of soap in the shower stall."

"We're out of man soap. I won't use that smelly stuff."

"I'll put Irish Spring on the shopping list," she said.

That's almost as bad as lady soap. It doesn't smell like springtime in Ireland. There are no comely lasses. No leprechauns. No prancing unicorns. I've been to Ireland and it doesn't smell anything like that soap. It smells like cold winter seawater from the North Atlantic, with an undercurrent of stale cigarette smoke and people in wet woolen clothing packed elbow-to-elbow inside a pub on a Sunday night. Oh, and Guinness. Lots of Guinness. I'll bet the marketing people would throw their hands up in despair if they tried to make soap that smelled like that.

Man soap shouldn't smell like anything remotely related to flowers. It shouldn't offer lemony freshness. In fact, using it should hurt. The box would admonish you to use the product, and afterward if you're in pain, well, just go walk it off. Be a man not a whiny, fresh-smelling sissy boy.

I kept all these thoughts to myself, of course. I didn't want her to think I'd spent all my time inside a pub.

"If you don't want to use my soap," she said, "Jordan has some body wash in his bathroom."

This is the stuff that's advertised to young men, touting its babe attracting quality. "I can't use that! Those super models will try to kidnap me again! I'm tired of being treated as a mere sex object!"

She-Who-etc. just rolled her eyes and went back to reading a magazine.

I slunk off to the bathroom. Under the sink, I found a forgotten sliver of some un-nameable white soap. It didn't smell like anything at all and there were no wholesome bits of oatmeal to be seen.




Blogger lemmiwinks said...

I don't know if you have this in the US, but it's absolutely man soap!

I'd rate that liquid bodywash stuff as far, far worse than lady soap. I don't care how it's marketed.

5:46 PM  
Blogger Ed W said...

We have Lava soap which may be the same thing since it too is owned by the WD40 people. I've used GoJo and its variants too, but the very best advice I ever had for removing nasty grease and oil from my hands came from a hairdresser. She said to use a big dollop of shampoo, wash my hair thoroughly, and then repeat. It works.

6:01 PM  
Blogger Coelecanth said...

Soap also shouldn't smell like food, any sort of food. Soap is what you use to get the food off of you after all.

I use Worx to get the grease off my hands at the end of the day. Works like a charm, though I'm not sure it's available in the States. Canadian product don't yah know and the abrasive in it isn't pumice so it might not be manly enough for you. :)

8:20 PM  
Blogger The Donut Guy said...

Use that shower soap that comes in a bottle....but put a handful of sand into the the bottle before you use it....that should do the trick:-)

5:59 AM  
Blogger Yokota Fritz said...

I've used Pine Sol in the shower when I couldn't find anything else. Astringent!

1:40 PM  
Blogger A Midnight Rider said...

Never thought of soap as man or unmanly. I need to watch more TV to learn what I should be using.8>(

10:49 AM  
Blogger A Midnight Rider said...

But fruity smelling soaps are a big seller in MA. Kansas and Californial I suppose also.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Jamie Fellrath said...

If it comes right down to it, I use a pumice stone to scrape the dirt off me. The drain catches the blood. :)

3:16 PM  
Blogger Ed W said...

I'm thinking about using a Scotchbrite pad and lye soap. I'll take a piece of dowel rod to bite down on so the family isn't disturbed by the screaming.

Speaking of screaming, did I tell you guys about the time I tried to treat severe saddle sores with alcohol? Don't ever do that.

5:13 PM  
Blogger jw said...

I understand your quandary and have the solution. I happen to make what you are looking for. We launch our online store on Sept 1st.

Liberty ManSoap. Take that girly bar and shove it.

7:58 PM  

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