Curious George goes to Hell

George was lonely. The Man in the Yellow Hat and his friend, Jim Beam, had moved to Florida after retirement. George had never met Jim Beam, but the Man in the Yellow Hat was fond of him, so fond in fact, that he often broke down in tears when his friend was gone.

George had been on his own for a few years, not an unusual circumstance for a teenage monkey. He spent his days flipping burgers in a fast food joint, and spent evenings watching television. He liked documentaries, especially those that featured the ocean. George had never seen the ocean, but he found it fascinating. One documentary revolved around a restaurant called the Crusty Crab. It was George’s favorite.

When he wasn’t watching television, George played on his computer. He liked to bang away at the keyboard with a bunch of other monkeys on the Internet, and to his enormous surprise, he actually wrote a novel! It was a semi-autobiography of his life, chronicling the life and times of an adolescent monkey, complete with some lurid fantasies. George published it under a pseudonym, writing under the name of Sanders. He actually had the word ‘Sanders’ spray-painted on the wall above his computer.

The novel enjoyed modest sales, and George was making enough that he could quit flipping burgers. He decided it would be nice to visit the Man in the Yellow Hat at his retirement community in Florida. Since Florida was near the ocean, perhaps he could visit the Crusty Crab restaurant too. George didn’t want to fly. He didn’t trust airplanes. And he wouldn’t take the train, either, because he didn’t like trains. So he decided to buy a car.

But George didn’t have a driver’s license, and he couldn’t drive a car without one. George went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to get a driver’s license. It was in a huge brick building on Main Street. George had no difficulty finding it because there was a big “Department of Motor Vehicles” sign out front. Underneath, in much smaller letters, it said, “Forsake All Hope Ye Who Enter Here!” George thought that was a little strange, but went in anyway.

He stood in line for a long time, watching cobwebs form on the walls and ceiling. The line moved slowly, but within a few hours he reached the front counter. The clerk had just come back from lunch. George wondered if he knew the Man in the Yellow Hat’s friend Jim Beam, too, because they had the same cologne.

The clerk was a little dismayed at being confronted by a monkey. Actually, he was seeing several monkeys. All of them looked like George. He mumbled something about more dams and foreigners, stamped George’s application, and issued him a brand new driver’s license! Then he passed out on the floor.

George was overjoyed! With his new license in his pocket, he walked down the street to Ralph Sport Sport Motors. He’d seen Ralph many times on late-night television, and knew he could be trusted. Ralph saw him coming across the lot, and rushed out to greet him. George was excited to meet such a television celebrity, but didn’t understand a lot because Ralph talked so fast. Before he knew it, he’d signed some papers and Ralph dropped a set of keys in his hand.

George found himself behind the wheel of an enormous SUV. It was like a house on wheels! He turned the key in the ignition. The engine caught immediately. George put it in gear, floored the accelerator, and roared off down the road!

Next: George meets the nice county sheriff's deputy in “Curious George goes to Jail”.

(I really liked the Curious George books because he’s an ‘innocent abroad’. He means well and he’s without any deceit or guile, unlike so many of the other people around us. People could take advantage of George simply because he’s so innocent, but his sweet nature never changes. It almost seems that “Harvey” character Elwood P. Dowd (played by Jimmy Stewart) had George in mind when he said, “In life you can be either very clever or very pleasant. I prefer pleasant.”……..I know, I know, it’s not exactly cycling-related, but you just have to wonder how some people get driver’s licenses!……..Ed)