Saturday, January 07, 2006

From my In-Box...

Something about this strikes me as not quite right. Why would they send me a solicitation for 'elite competitive athletes' when my competitive experience consists of slowly losing contact with the back of the pack after yo-yo-ing a few times? I dunno, maybe these guys really COULD help me. I'll have to think about it a while...Ed

For Immediate Release:

From Bogus Sports LLC
Broken Elbow, OK
6JAN2006

Bogus Sports LLC is pleased to announce a new 24/7 service for all our clients. After extensive beta-testing, we are proud to add new services to our focused professional coaching and training for mission-critical elite athletes. We now offer a comprehensive, professional repair service for cyclists and triathletes. For the first time, we can provide our clients with branded mechanical support while they're in training or competition. Our fully stocked support van offers full-service bicycle repair capabilities from global suppliers, including spare wheels for competitive events. But here at Bogus Sports LLC, we go one step farther because our elite customers expect more from the leader in synergistic, multi-tiered services. Our mechanics are also fully-qualified attorneys, ready to file an injunction or a lawsuit whenever one of our clients crosses the finish line behind some other personal services client. Bogus Sports is the new paradigm, with dynamic, outside-the-box thinking that empowers clients who demand the best.

Here's what our customers say:

"Hot Damn! I finished third in a 10K race, and Bogus Sports was there for me! Your attorney filed suit against the other competitors, race organizers, and even the volunteers! And they did all that within minutes of the finish. I know for a fact the race organizer and his family are living in a rusted-out Studebaker under a bridge somewhere now! Thanks, Bogus Sports!"....Ernest T. Bridgewood Jr.

"I punctured toward the end of the bicycle section of a tri-event, and Bogus Sports not only changed out the wheel, their attorney/mechanic allowed me to draft behind the van as he threatened litigation against the race officials for permitting small pieces of glass on the roadway. Such hazards to life and limb could result in a major lawsuit. Sure, I didn't win the event, but I did come away with a nice settlement!"...Gibson L. Stankmeyer III

"At first, I was put off by Bogus Sports' win-at-all-costs mentality. But after they held a race official's wife as a hostage in order to get a better placing for a client, they won me over!"....Virgil P. Knaupkopf

"I thought things like this only happened in the movies. An official disqualified me during a race, and the next morning, woke up with a horse's head under his blanket!"....Vito "Big Stick" Ignetowski

Bogus Sports: We'll help you win, with whatever it takes! Demand the best. Demand Bogus Sports LLC and be a winner!

4 Comments:

Blogger Fritz said...

Maybe this is what I need. Any idea what the cost might be for their services?

12:33 PM  
Blogger Tim Jackson- Masi Guy said...

That smells familiar. What flavor sauce is that? Oh yeah, satire sauce... I love that stuff.

9:21 PM  
Blogger George said...

My sister-in-law is a lawyer.

For some reason she is super sensitive about lawyer jokes.

I think I'll send her the link to your blog article.

I hope you don't hear from her:-)

4:03 AM  
Blogger Ed W said...

George,

Actually, I didn't write this to poke fun at lawyers. C'mon! Lawyer and accountants? How funny could they be?

Instead, I'm aiming at the win-at-all-costs mentality that seems to pervade most athletic events these days, from a "murderin Texas cheerleader's Mom" to the fistfights at Little League games, and the assault on a football coach here in Oklahoma. Some people simply cannot take losing, and cast about for someone to blame. Surely it's not THEIR fault!

1:18 PM  

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