Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Tips for Cyclists (Satire)

Cyclists need to understand that because they're socially, kinetically, and economically inferior to drivers in motor vehicles, they should adopt the mannerisms and demeanor of serfs, kowtowing to their betters. This is only right since cyclists, if they had any money or sense, would buy big, hulking SUVs like the rest of us. At the approach of one of their social superiors in a motor vehicle, they should dismount on the side of the road and tug their forelocks as the elite sweep by. Bowing isn't strictly necessary, but it's a nice touch.

Cyclists don't use fuel or pay fuel taxes. To be fair, the government should tax something they use, if only to help pay for the roads. Inner tubes, for instance, might cost fifty dollars. Yes, I'm aware of the tired old argument that cyclists pay their share of taxes too, but it's hardly the same thing. Sure, income taxes, sales taxes, and real estate taxes pay for the bulk of road funding, but cyclists don't pay them, either. They don't have jobs, so they don't pay income tax. That's why they can be out on my road impeding traffic at all hours. They don't have to work! They don't pay much in sales taxes because they're so damned skinny. They don't eat much, so there's not much tax to collect. And as for real estate - they don't have jobs, remember, so they don't own real estate either! Freeloaders, the lot of 'em!

Cyclists are pampered far too often. They get prime parking spaces for their outlandish, dirty machines in bicycle racks located conveniently close to the front doors of many businesses. Why would any self-respecting businessman do something so obviously dumb? Cyclists don't spend money. They don't have any; otherwise, they'd drive cars!

They walk into a store all grimy with road dirt, sweating profusely, and then expect to be treated just like any other customer. What nerve! Go get a shower first! Good Americans believe in proper hygiene. Americans shower regularly, sometimes three or four times a day, or whenever there's even a hint of sweat on their skin. For that reason alone, we should round up all those unemployed cyclists and give them a good scrubbing. While they're detained, maybe they could take some classes on basic social skills and maybe even some job training. Then they could get a decent job, buy an SUV the size of a small country, and get their silly-assed bicycles off my roads! I'm not kidding. Just the other day, I saw a cyclist blow his nose without the aid of a handkerchief. It was disgusting! Like I said, they
have no social skills whatsoever.

My girlfriend and I were stuck behind one of these fools in traffic. I said something about how guys look stupid in tight black shorts with their little tiny butts and muscular legs. She watched, mesmerized as his legs pumped up and down, and then after an awkward pause, said that she agreed with me. I think she was a little bit distracted, because she didn't sound entirely sincere.

But what really burns me up is this: my town spent good money on a park with some cycling paths. It's pretty. The path leaves the parking lot, winds around the settling pond, and returns to the parking lot. Sure, it doesn't smell that great since it's got a sewage plant on one end and a rendering plant on the other with a settling pond in between, but how the hell would a cyclist notice? For them, it might even be an improvement! But they won't ride their bikes there. They prefer clogging up my roads. It's only five miles out of town, too, and that's not a long drive. Oh, wait, they don't drive, so maybe THAT'S the problem!

So here's my idea. Have the government round up all the cyclists and hose them down for cleanliness. Have them take some mandatory classes that would lead to jobs, better social skills, and improved hygiene. And have them pay for all these by making them build those stupid parks so us good, honest, taxpaying citizens don't have to foot the bill for their foolishness. Anybody can dig. In fact, my very first job was ditch diggin' and despite that unfortunate incident with a carelessly thrown shovel that knocked me unconscious, it never affected me...much.

Sincerely yours,
George Leroy Tirebiter


Blogger Tanya said...

Oh wow, now my entire day yesterday makes so much sense. If only I had known I was supposed to get off my bike, I wouldn't have made those cars so angry :)

12:51 PM  
Blogger Tim Jackson- Masi Guy said...


You are my hero! That was thoroughly enjoyable and educational as well. I'm linking that because I nearly peed. Ever blow a piece of Hot Pocket out of your nose? I have and it hurts- thanks.

4:05 PM  
Blogger BIG Mike said...

The workd satire save you. This post would be funny except there is a planet full of people who talk like this but with no tongue in their cheek.

And believe me, cyclist have jobs. How do you think we pay for those little shorts that cost $100 or the bikes that generally cost thousands?

6:28 AM  

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