Saturday, February 17, 2007

Prefromence ehnancing drugs....

OK, in the interest of full disclosure, I have to come clean. I've used performance enhancing drugs.

There, I've said it. I feel SO much better, though Dick Pound will probably denounce me now.

I was a competitive swimmer back in high school - not a great swimmer, though. Right before a meet, our coach handed out 'butterfly pills', antacids that were supposed to prevent hurling. Vomiting in the pool is definitely frowned upon when you're sharing the water with team mates and competitors. It's good form to make it to the side of the pool and hurl in the scuppers if you can't run to the men's room.

It was common for someone to upchuck during practice. I once swam thorugh a cloud of spaghetti after it had been on the menu at lunch. This was not especially appetizing, despite the high chlorine level in the water.

We had sugar pills too, supposedly glucose that would provide quick energy. They tasted like Sweet Tarts. Chances are they were nothing more than candy.

I've abused alcohol too. It improved my pinball game and made me far more attractive to women, though I know that last is hard to believe. I'm starting at the top of my game, so to speak, and a couple of drinks only adds an extra layer of gloss to an already shiny exterior. (Mary rolled her eyes at this. I can't imagine why.)

These days, when I have a glass of wine in the evening, I make sure the front door is locked. That way I don't have to fend off hordes of beautiful women intent on ravishing me yet again. I can snore in uninterrupted peace.

What really sparked these thoughts about drugs and performance was a biographical piece on the late gonzo journalist Huster S. Thompson. He used copious quantities of drugs and alcohol to fuel his writing. I can't do that, of course, though it's certainly true that I use some drugs - mainly ibuprofen and antacids. Alcohol just makes me sleepy.

The other thought in tandem with the above is that I feel I'm in a slump right now. Writing has been a chore rather than something I enjoy. Writing comedy is hard when the ideas have to be forced onto the pages. I love it when a piece seems to flow from my fingertips into the keyboard, but that hasn't happened recently. So, I've been toying with the idea of changing my preferred performance enhancing drug, strong coffee. Usually, I drink the dark roasts like Italian or French. Lighter roasts have more caffeine, however, and I'm wondering if the extra jolt would help fire my imagination. It may be something to investigate this weekend.

In addition to feeling mentally down, I'm physically down too. My knees have been painful for about 2 months. The right one felt as if it would buckle at any moment. I've been walking slowly and taking stairs very gingerly. Even stepping down from a curb had to be done carefully.

So I haven't ridden my bike to work for over a week. It seems this relative ease has helped them heal. Or at least the worst of the pain seems to be gone. I'll be back in the saddle on Monday.

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Blogger Paul Tay said...

Comedy writing tips:
1) DON'T try too HARD.
2) Leave it to the PROS.
3) Jack yer CRAK, instead.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Paul Tay said...

More comedy writing tips, the refined, classy version shamelessly, wantonly, and PROFUSELY plagarized from Judge Donald Thompson's "The Balding, Boring, Middle-aged Guy's Guide for Writing RIOTOUS Comedy, WITHOUT really tring:"

1) Tell the TRUTH, even if it HURTS.
2) Even if NO one wants to hear the TRUTH, say it anyways, and FIGHT for it til the BITTER end.
3) Continue jacking yer CRAK, even, actually especially, when the going gets HARD.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Big Guy on a Bicycle said...

In a slump? Been there, done that.

Oh, um, actually it's more like 'am there, doing that'. Maybe the terrorists are behind it. You know, maybe they've figured out how to send out 'slump vibes' or something. Yeah, that must be it.

8:05 PM  
Blogger Paul Tay said...

I think he's just BORED and just needs to step out of his comfort zone.

8:42 PM  
Blogger Coelecanth said...

Slumps happen, especially at this time of year. It'll pass.

Sorry to hear about your knees. I hope you feel better soon.

I've got a wrist with a metal plate in it and physio did wonders but the returns have been diminishing over the last few years. The hardest part is knowing when to push and when to back off and accept my limitations.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Fritz said...

Perhaps Wally could scientifically test the performance enhancing properties of various coffees? Maybe even get a grant from the NCAUSA to pay for this important research.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Ed W said...

NCAUSA presents even more tempting irresponsibilities!

I drank the last of the Kona this morning. I think I know how a drunk feels the next morning, looking at an empty whiskey bottle.

5:14 PM  

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