Jesus loves neo-con lunatics too...

Every now and then, I stumble across something so appalling, so awful, so utterly devoid of any semblance of logic or humor that I have to think it's a miserably failed attempt at satire. The first time I saw Dr. Gene Scott, for instance, I thought he was a terrible comedian. But he wasn't doing comedy. He was for real. And he was a loon.

So when I first read this piece (LINK) I thought it was a hoot! It's so off-the-wall nutty I almost regretted not coming up with it myself. It's full of wild generalizations and logical flaws, almost like having a conversation with my best friend, Dr. Wally Crankset. In fact, I have to wonder if Wally actually wrote this thing when he was deep in his cups. And given Wally's propensity for, um, borrowing pieces he likes, I wouldn't be surprised to find something similar from him.

Here are some excerpts. I gave up trying to count the misspellings:

“You can tell a lot about a man by the kind of car he drives; What does the fact that I drive a hummer say about me?” That you're a dick? That's probably as much as I really need to know, but he insists on continuing.

“Anybody who rides a cycle has already given in to the terrorists...If you cycle to work then the terrorists have already won. We need to deny them their victory, when you drive a truck you are sending a message to the terrorists that they can never defeat us. You show me a cyclist and I will show you a traitor.” Bicyclists use less gasoline, gasoline that has to be purchased from people who hate Americans and want to kill them. So if you're buying gas, you're indirectly providing money for terrorism. Remember those people who flew aircraft into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon? They were mostly Saudis. We buy lots of oil form the Saudis and our money props up their monarchy.

“Mountain bikers are famous for their abuse of pot, amphetamines and other banned hallucinogens. Very few mountain bikers survive past the age of 30 because of the extreme hazards of downhill cycling, and the toll taken by a diet of drugs and alcohol.” I just may have to take up mountain biking! Oh wait! There was a time in my life when I WAS a mountain biker! I just didn't have a mountain bike.

“It seems obvious to me, that everywhere you find sedition, anti-American behaviour and fornication you will also find cyclists.” Tristan seems to believe that everyone on two wheels is a leftist. I know quite a few cyclists who would disagree. Kiril the Mad Macedonian and I had a discussion along these lines. My point of view is that riding a bicycle is hardly indicative of someone's politics. But then, I'm a reasonable, rational kinda guy.

“The other type of cycling is called “Road Racing” a preposterous sport which is mainly popular amongst the homosexual community. Most Americans do not regard this as a true sport, because the chief objective is to pose in the absurd skin-tight ‘fashions’. This probably explains why road-cycling is the most popular sport in France... Are cyclists pedalling the road to hell?” This astounding bit of news would come as quite a shock to my wife and kids. Here I was thinking all these years that I'm solidly in the hetero camp, yet Tristan tells me otherwise. Maybe I'm just a lesbian trapped in man's body. This is SO confusing!

“As I was driving home from our STR.com weekly prayer meeting, a cyclist slammed into my left side, badly scratching the paintwork and leaving bloodstains on one of the mirrors. The dumb cyclist colapsed into a twisted wreck by the road-side. At first I figured I would drive on, after all liberals are better off as road-kill…” and a few paragraphs later, “He kept shouting something about not signaling at a left turn, and crying for his wrecked bike. I explained to him that if he had not been there on his stupid bicycle he’d never have got in my way and never been injured...It’s just typical of cyclists to blame other road-users for their own failings.” There's a big flaw here, unless maybe his Hummer was traveling sideways. It's that or Tristan is engaging in a bit of mendacity. That would make him a hypocrite AND a liar, hardly Christian virtues. It really sounds as if he pulled out in front of a cyclist.

Tristan is just another right-wing nutcase living in a world free of logic or reason. He uses his faith as justification for indulging in bigotry and hate, not unlike those terrorists he despises, who use religion for similar ends.

.