Sunday, September 09, 2007

What to do with cyclists...

Here's another of those "I ride a bicycle too, but...." posts. The assumption behind this one is that we're out on the roads strictly for exercise and recreation. It not as if we actually have to go somewhere like work or school or something as 'important' as any motorist's destination. Nope, we're clogging the roads and slowing traffic because we're arrogant and rude. We're fetishists who break every traffic rule and every fashion rule. Who knew? Well, I didn't but then again, I didn't know that fashion had rules - and I wouldn't care anyway. Plaids with stripes? No problem!


So the 'solution' is to get all of us onto indoor trainers, pedaling furiously like a bunch of hamsters in Lycra. Then the roads will be uncongested. Motorists will be released from their cyclist imposed bondage and be free to travel unimpeded at sub-orbital velocities. All will be well and good with the Earth, and a veritable motoring utopia will descend upon us. Well...except for all those other motorists clogging up the roads. Maybe they can be persuaded or dragooned into sitting in front of a television playing Gran Turismo over and over. Then driving will be nirvana. Except for all those buses and large trucks. Maybe we can restrict them to only operating at night, say, between midnight and 5AM. Yeah, that would do it! But then there's all those pedestrians to consider too. Hell, just round them up and put them in camps.

See, there is an amicable solution to every problem, provided you're the one doing the solving.

What to do with cyclists

Finally, here’s a way to get cyclists off our roads:

With the Ergo Bike Premium 8i from Germany’s Daum Electronics, riders from around the world compete against each other over virtual versions of some of the sport’s storied race courses.

Let them race in cyberspace! Brilliant. Now why didn’t I think of that?

Before I get flamed or threatened or hacked, I should point out that I come from a cycling country. I own a bicycle, and I grew up cycling everywhere. I agree that cyclists aren’t adequately catered for on our roads, and motorists aren’t sufficiently attentive to cyclists. The likelihood of Johannesburg getting decent cycling infrastructure any time soon is remote, which is a shame.

That said, I once dared to complain about the arrogance with which cyclists take over our roads and shut down our cities for their own amusement. My rant was sarcastically caustic, and some idiot thought it would be a good idea to forward the e-mail to every cycling forum in the country.

...Now, finally, technology offers a way in which cyclists can indulge their fetish in the privacy of their own homes or gardens. They won’t have to put their lives at risk and spew filth at motorists for every tragic accident. They won’t have to break half the traffic laws and every fashion rule in the book. They won’t have to trample the rights of tax-paying citizens of the cities whose roads they hijack for their own amusement. They get to cycle wherever and whenever they want. And the rest of us will be spared their testosterone-fuelled aggression and sanctimonious condescension.

See? There’s an amicable solution to every problem.

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Blogger Fritz said...

"arrogant cyclists"? Is that something like an "uppity" black woman who wouldn't move to the back of the bus?

12:31 PM  

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