Truthiness about bike lanes...
(Image from AlaskaBikeBlog with a funny post well worth reading!)
What sparked this was a letter to the editor in an Oklahoma newspaper in which the writer appealed for the installation of bike lanes in order to prevent teen drinking. Honest! Bike lanes can keep teenagers from getting hammered because they'll realize they have to pedal their drunken monkey butts all the way home. So they won't drink in the first place.
Anyone who can remember their teen years or spends any time in close proximity to a teenager knows the above to be utterly and ridiculously untrue. Their attention span might extend as long as a music video, provided they aren't interrupted by a text message, IM, email, or those oddly quaint telephone calls. So expecting a teen to pass up a rousing game of beer pong because he'll have to ride his bike home in an hour or two is about as realistic as expecting him to mow the lawn without being told.....eight or ten times. They have the attention span of gnats, except for annoying music, vapid video games, and the opposite sex.
But if the magical properties of bike lanes can prevent teen drinking, what else can they do? I (ahem) developed a small list:
Bike lanes can:
Prevent mid-air collisions.
Cure Plantar's warts, flat tires, acne, saddle sores, erectile dysfunction, flatulence, broken hearts, athlete's foot, myopia and some other diseases so disgusting that their names cannot be said on television, nor will they be printed here.
Increase SAT and ACT scores.
Heal the sick.
Raise the dead.
Make the little girls talk outta their heads.
Deter so-called reality-based thinking.
Lead to hot sex.
Repel the deadly chupacabra and the venomous Oklahoma snow snake.
Replace the Mud Shark in local mythology.
Eliminate hopelessness, despair, and an overwhelming sense of fear in those who ride through intersections with impunity but little sense.
Offer the protection of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's invisible noodly appendages.
Cause tall, Viking women in stylish footwear to tear off their clothes and....
Okay, okay, so a couple of them are just a little bit far-fetched. But I'm sure I can find some statistics to support those arguments, or, if that doesn't pan out, I'll just make some up on the spot. After all, since 85% of all head injuries caused by meteorite impacts can be prevented by wearing a helmet, and 85% of middle-aged male cyclists experience some form of erectile dysfunction, and 85% of people who bought Enzyte had an IQ or 85 or less, there simply HAS to be some as-yet-undiscovered connection! I just know it.