Ask Doctor Wally: tight black shorts

Dear Walter,

This weekend, my sister Edna and I were driving out to the Broken Elbow Mall for some early Christmas shopping when we came up behind a big group of bicyclists. They were climbing a hill and we were blockaded behind them. These were grown men out in public wearing tight black shorts that revealed almost everything! They were standing up and pedaling vigorously while their bottoms swayed to and fro, tight muscles rippling under those shorts with an almost hypnotic intensity. Edna nearly swooned! She said it reminded her of that Chippendales show we attended in Vegas after we retired from teaching, and we agreed to never talk about that again.

Could you tell us where these bicyclists will be riding next weekend?

Sally in Salacious City

Dear Sally

You and Edna were my teachers in grade school! And now you're asking about men's butts? You should be ashamed of yourselves! When you caught me trying to find dirty words in the dictionary, I had to write a report and dust erasers for two weeks. And now you want to ogle a bunch of men! Are you out of your mind? I will not be a party to that. A man has to have some standards, after all, and this is a line I simply will not cross.

Dr. Wally

Next time: Zombie cyclists invade West Mifflin, Pennsylvania!