Here's the final Wally Crankset piece for the Red Dirt Pedalers "Wheel Issues." I promise - Wally has not taken his last ride into the sunset!

And for added snark, it's in comic sans.

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Dear Doctor Crankset:

I'm a security officer attached to a classified government program. Recently, we've had reports that you've been riding a bicycle along our perimeter fence and photographing our facilities, personnel, and equipment.

Dr. Crankset, you are in violation of federal law, specifically those provisions in the renewed Patriot Act that prohibit ordinary Americans like you from prying into the operations of high-value, protected federal sites. Our security personnel have contacted you repeatedly, asking that you cease your activities. You were given a final warning on 10JULY2011 at 0835AM according to our records. We have video and audio files confirming that fact.

Two days later, on 12JULY2011 you appeared on a bicycle at our main gate at 0712AM dressed as an Elvis impersonator, demanding to be allowed entry. Specifically, you told our personnel that you wanted to "re-enter" the facility, and claimed that you were the real Elvis Presley who had been living on the base in secret for many years. The sergeant on duty said there was a strong odor of tequila about you. When he tried to take you into custody, the sequined Elvis costume tore away and you ran off naked into the surrounding woods.

Dr. Crankset, federal authorities have issued a warrant for your arrest. You will be apprehended by a federal, state, or local law enforcement in the near future. But I strongly advise that you turn yourself in as a gesture of good faith. It will go easier on you in court.

Sincerely,

Capt. George L. Tirebiter

Chief of Security

The letter was returned to Capt. Tirebiter with this hastily scrawled message along the top:

Doctor Crankset will not be available in the near future. He is on sabbatical at the Universidad de Guadalahara in Mexico....his secretary.

Wally doesn't have a secretary. Let's hope the Mexican authorities don't have any outstanding warrants on him.

Ask Dr. Wally: Meer-acle Water

Dear Dr. Wally,

I visited our town carnival over the weekend. There was a booth attended by a stunning young woman hawking something called "Meer-acle Water." She said it boosted amino acids and reduced recovery time, all while purging the body of unwanted ions, heavy metals, phosphates, fluoride, and a long list of other chemicals. She seemed very sincere and even showed me the differences between tap water and her product by using some kind of digital meter. Does this stuff work? I don't know, but I'll be getting a case of it every week for the next three years. She sold me on a contract.

Hydrated in Hugo


Wow! That's a lot of water. Are you a fish? I ask because it's very possible you're a sucker.

Now, I fully understand the persuasive power of attractive women. After all, I've been married four times. Or is it five? Regardless, it's impossible for water to be ionized. An ion is a charged molecule and water is a conductor. It would dissipate the charge. We call all these claims by their scientific name - hooey. It's made up. It's imaginary. And it sells like crazy.

Next time you're in Broken Elbow, have some of our miracle water. We're at the top of the watershed, so our water comes from a spring up the hill from town. In the winter, it's 38 degrees right out of the tap - perfect for chilling beer - and in the summer we hardly ever get tadpoles in it since we installed that new filtration system.

Sincerely,
Dr. Wally

Next month: Deflecting Amway mind control rays with common household products.

The scourge of spandex bums

Here's the May column for Ask Dr. Wally from the Wheel Issues newsletter.


Dear Dr. Wally Every spring, hordes of bicyclists commandeer our local roads, delaying traffic, frightening livestock, and shocking innocent women and children with their outrageous attire. These bums in spandex are an affront to common decency with their skin-tight clothing and abhorrently loud colors. What can we do to get them to be more like normal people?

Peeved in Poteau

Bums in spandex? Peeved, you made a funny!

Actually, Peeved, I'm trying to get our local club to adopt more comfortable clothing for the summer months. The traditional Arab thobe, a loose, long sleeved garment that covers down to the ankles, would offer welcome respite from Oklahoma's summer heat. My girlfriend mistakenly calls it a "bernice." It think she means "bernoose" but she's overly fond of both floral patterns and copious amounts of red wine. And she's making dinner so I'm willing to overlook minor foibles.

I tried riding in baggy cargo shorts, but they tend to get hooked over the nose of the saddle. That wasn't really a big problem...until I stood up to climb a hill. Sure, I stood up but the shorts stayed down. It gave some elderly ladies the vapors and lead to a long chat with the local constabulary. I wore a big, ornamented sombrero that day, and it didn't help my case. The cops were certain I'd escaped from an asylum somewhere. Dunno why.

If I can figure a way to keep my thobe from getting caught in the spokes, it should work well for bicycling especially if there's a tailwind. It's like a sail! Then all I have to do is figure out how to keep rednecks, local cops, the highway patrol and Homeland Security from stopping me every half mile.

I'll let you know how this works out right after I find that sombrero.

Dr. Wally

Next month: Weight loss on the County Jail Diet Plan

Ask Dr. Wally: Helmet cameras

Dear Dr. Wally,

I've been thinking about getting a helmet camera to document the encounters I've had with local motorists. Most of them are safe, courteous drivers, but a small percentage are either baffled when they meet cyclists on the road or they're angry. I had a nasty security guard at a local business tell me I couldn't lock my bike to the fence outside. I'd really like to document this. Do you have any advice regarding these cameras?

Photogenic in Poteau

Ah, security guards. They occupy a special place in the pantheon of small-minded demi-gods, chubby county sheriff's deputies, and my waspish English teacher from high school. Get a helmet camera and use it, Pho, but don't expect that your effort will bring positive results in every case.

First, some background. In Oklahoma as in most states, there's no expectation of privacy in a public place. That means you can photograph people without their consent - provided you're not using the photos for advertising or using someone's likeness in a malicious way. You can take photos on private property, but if the property owner objects, you must leave or you can be arrested for trespassing. The photos, however, are your property and they cannot be taken from you.

Some police agencies will be proactive and try to identify problem motorists using a cyclist's video. Other agencies, however, regard cyclists as a nuisance and will dismiss even the most egregious video of an abusive or dangerous motorist. Still, with the popularity of a public forum like YouTube, these benighted police departments can be dragged kicking and screaming into the twenty first century.

Dr. Wally

Next month: Collected recipes for county sheriff's deputies from the wild cannibals of Oklahoma

Doctor Wally news

This is just a heads-up message for regular readers. I'm seriously considering setting Wally loose on an unsuspecting world. Most of the Wally posts have been coming from the Red Dirt Pedalers newsletter, as you can see from the one earlier this week. But I'm thinking about diving back into some of that old material in order to re-post it over on the Examiner.

Dr. Wally would reach another, hopefully larger audience. He really deserves it, especially in light of the upcoming presidential election next year. The last time, you may recall, he ran unsuccessfully for the vice presidency. Recently he's been grumbling about the whole process again, so it's on his mind. He hasn't declared that he'll actually run, though he's soliciting money and numerous young women to assist in that effort. I hope he gets some cash soon, because it will help defer his bar tab at Larry's Cafe. Wally is calling it his "I'm NOT campaigning" headquarters. Larry doesn't mind because all those women help pack the place with free-spending men, especially on weekends.

In fairness, I have to say that I may run into some problems with posting on the Examiner. But I think the fairly straight forward advice pieces, while still containing some humor and satire, will be acceptable to the editor. The stories are another matter.

Other news: I did some wandering in Tulsa today - the first Saturday I've had free in quite a while - so there will be some photos to post probably tomorrow. Meanwhile, go look at these photos on The Mave Site. Here's a sample, and it's the kind of thing I'd like to accomplish along old Route 66:


In the Tulsa City County Library and in the Library of Congress, there are photos from the heyday of Route 66, when Tulsa was the Oil Capital of the World and Art Deco was the rage. I have to admit that I'm fascinated by all those old photos, and I enjoy looking for the old buildings.

Ask Dr Wally...

Dear Dr. Wally

I read an article that urged readers to try nude photography. I enjoy both bicycling and photography. Since it was a relatively warm winter day, I stripped off my clothes, rolled the bike out of the garage, and set off for the park to take some photos.

One of my neighbors screamed and fled into her house. Some people are just overwhelmed by artistic freedom.

Some motorists honked and waved, or at least the ones that didn't rear-end the car ahead of them did.

But I do have some questions for you. Have you tried nude cycling and would you have any advice for potential nude cyclists? And can you recommend an attorney?

Incarcerated in Inola

Dear Jailbird

I have to admit that I have little experience with nude cycling. It's only happened once and it involved copious amounts of alcohol, a bachelor party where I met the woman destined to become my third or fourth ex-wife, and an ill-advised bet. I lost. Let's just leave it at that.

But I can recommend the very best attorney in Broken Elbow, and that's Chester Niebelung. He's the town bicycle and pedestrian coordinator, heads the planning and zoning commission, and sits on the school board. Remarkably, he's never been elected to any position. Instead, he's been appointed to them by a succession of public officials who owed him some favors. Chester's brother, Armand, runs the local paving company among other businesses, and it's rumored that the two brothers know where all the bodies are buried. Literally. If you hire Chester as your attorney, be sure to pay your bill on time!

Dr. Wally

Next time: Bicycling blood-sucking monkeys invade West Mifflin, Pennsylvania.

Ask Doctor Wally: winter riding

Here's the December 'Ask Wally' column from the Red Dirt Pedaler's newsletter. The Lanterne Rouge piece is over on the Examiner.

Dear Doctor Wally... For the first time, I want to keep riding through the winter this year. What do I need?........... Resolute in Red Fork

First, I admire your determination. Riding through Oklahoma winters can be both challenging and a ton of fun. Here are some brief tips:

If you don't already have fenders on your bike, fit them now. They reduce the grunge factor when riding on wet roads, so you stay cleaner, drier, and perhaps most importantly, warmer than you'd be without them. It's not uncommon for winter riders to have an old beater bike specifically for bad weather. Even if you don't normally ride at night, have lights and reflectors on your bike and be certain that they work.

Get some good quality cycling tights. They come in different weights, some with bib tops, and some with double fronts. They're one winter riding essential. Don't wear sweatpants, long underwear under your shorts, or that big puffy down parka. The first two scream 'dork' and can put you in danger of hypothermia if they get wet. The latter will turn into a wearable sauna. You'll sweat like crazy, then freeze as it evaporates.

Wear multiple thin layers so you can regulate your temperature, and have a bike bag or messenger bag to carry items you have to shed. Keep a balaclava, gloves, and a scarf or neck gator handy. They make a huge difference in comfort.

But most important of all - enjoy those crisp, clear mornings!

Dr. Wally

Next month: CDC finds link between classic French bicycles and dementia in bike collectors.

Ask Doctor Wally: tight black shorts

Dear Walter,

This weekend, my sister Edna and I were driving out to the Broken Elbow Mall for some early Christmas shopping when we came up behind a big group of bicyclists. They were climbing a hill and we were blockaded behind them. These were grown men out in public wearing tight black shorts that revealed almost everything! They were standing up and pedaling vigorously while their bottoms swayed to and fro, tight muscles rippling under those shorts with an almost hypnotic intensity. Edna nearly swooned! She said it reminded her of that Chippendales show we attended in Vegas after we retired from teaching, and we agreed to never talk about that again.

Could you tell us where these bicyclists will be riding next weekend?

Sally in Salacious City

Dear Sally

You and Edna were my teachers in grade school! And now you're asking about men's butts? You should be ashamed of yourselves! When you caught me trying to find dirty words in the dictionary, I had to write a report and dust erasers for two weeks. And now you want to ogle a bunch of men! Are you out of your mind? I will not be a party to that. A man has to have some standards, after all, and this is a line I simply will not cross.

Dr. Wally

Next time: Zombie cyclists invade West Mifflin, Pennsylvania!

Ask Doctor Wally

(From this month's Wheel Issues)

Doctor Crankset

I am writing to you, sir, on the occasion of my 75th birthday. I've ridden bicycles all my life and in all that time I've never encountered a bigger buffoon or more despicable charlatan than you. Your so-called advice to cyclists is less than worthless and will no doubt make you liable under the law. Your actions will bring about a greater level of animosity between cyclists and motorists. Anyone with a modicum of sense knows that cyclists are to give way to motor traffic at all times. In my days on the police force, I would have given you a good thrashing. But times have changed, unfortunately. I look forward to the day the authorities lock you up for the good of our community. You, sir, are a fraud.

Sincerely
G. Brinton Matherwhyte III

Brinton,

Gosh, Brinton, you left out the words 'bounder' and 'cad.' Surely it's a mere oversight. As hate mail goes, this is fairly tepid. There's usually tons more profanity, a death threat or two, and I'm often described in more earthy terms.

But if I understand the point of your message, it's that by riding my bicycle as if it were any other vehicle, I'll somehow bring down the wrath of the motoring gods upon my head.

Hmmmm. Brinton, I've been riding like this for over thirty years. I can count on one hand the altercations I've had with motorists - and that's about the same as anyone driving a car lawfully and responsibly. I ride assertively, which is not the same as riding aggressively. I stop for traffic lights and ride in a straight line in the right hand tire track. That's not rocket science, Brinton, it's what works to make riding far less stressful.

You don't believe me, obviously, so here's an experiment you can perform. Find an arterial street with two lanes in each direction. Ride your bike in the right hand lane, solidly in the right hand tire track. That should put about a third of the lane to your right and two thirds to the left. Maintain a straight line without wobbling. Do it for a couple of blocks, maybe half a mile. You'll discover that motorists change lanes to pass you, just as they would any other slow moving vehicle.

Try it, Brinton old lad, and you just may like it!

Dr. Wally

A bit of fun for Friday!

These were all taken with the Yashica Electro 35 GT on Kodak B&W 400. I got the rangefinder sorted out, discovering in the process several interesting ways to get it wrong. It's close to being calibrated properly, and I only have to do some minor touch up on it. The big problem was that the rangefinder images coincided before the lens reached infinity, then diverged again as the lens hit the infinity stop. The adjusting cam didn't have enough range, so I ended up moving the 45 degree mirror - and that lead to the discovery that turning the wrong adjusting screw sent the images out of kilter in the vertical plane too. It's all back together and everything seems OK, except for the big, greasy fingerprint inside the front glass! Now, who could have done that?

Anyway, that first shot above was taken at oh-dark-thirty with my elbows braced atop the car. The lens was wide open and the exposure was probably in the one-eighth to one-quarter second range.

Here's Number One Daughter making a cake for Valentine's Day. This was taken by available light in our kitchen. Again, the lens was probably wide open. Not bad for a hand-held shot.


Do you see the cyclist up ahead? The guy in the pickup clearly did. He moved over into the adjacent lane to pass. This section is slightly uphill and the speed limit changes from 45 to 35 as the road goes into Owasso.


Here's a cropped and magnified version of the above shot. I tried making it bigger, but it went grainy. It also went very grainy if I tried to sharpen it. Still, it's a good example of the capability of these old cameras. Next time, I'm going to ask the photo processor if they can deliver RAW files rather than these jpegs. I'm tinkering a little with Raw Therapee, a free RAW editor, but you can play with RAW files in the latest version of Picasa too.

One disadvantage of RAW files is their sheer size as they're literally the data that comes from the image sensor. But I noticed in one of those night shots from the Canon A590IS that the RAW images contained much more noise than jpegs - until after they were processed. Then they appeared to contain much less. I'm not an expert on this. I'm just learning. Still, it's fun to tinker with it.

One last thing - and it's not about photos or cameras!

I posted a straight news piece about the bicycle ban in Manor, Texas over on the Examiner. In all honesty, I've been having trouble writing because I just couldn't find the energy. The drive was gone. But after my phone conversation, anger gradually ratcheted up within me. I seldom get mad and have it keep building like that, but it was a real trigger for writing. I can't say I like it, but it is what it is.

The Examiner piece is straight forward reporting, but I still needed to vent that anger, and what better way than by engaging in some straight forward sarcasm. Imagine it. That will turn up here shortly, and surprisingly enough, Dr. Wally Crankset figures prominently in it.