Saturday, September 17, 2011

Here's the final Wally Crankset piece for the Red Dirt Pedalers "Wheel Issues." I promise - Wally has not taken his last ride into the sunset!

And for added snark, it's in comic sans.


Dear Doctor Crankset:

I'm a security officer attached to a classified government program. Recently, we've had reports that you've been riding a bicycle along our perimeter fence and photographing our facilities, personnel, and equipment.

Dr. Crankset, you are in violation of federal law, specifically those provisions in the renewed Patriot Act that prohibit ordinary Americans like you from prying into the operations of high-value, protected federal sites. Our security personnel have contacted you repeatedly, asking that you cease your activities. You were given a final warning on 10JULY2011 at 0835AM according to our records. We have video and audio files confirming that fact.

Two days later, on 12JULY2011 you appeared on a bicycle at our main gate at 0712AM dressed as an Elvis impersonator, demanding to be allowed entry. Specifically, you told our personnel that you wanted to "re-enter" the facility, and claimed that you were the real Elvis Presley who had been living on the base in secret for many years. The sergeant on duty said there was a strong odor of tequila about you. When he tried to take you into custody, the sequined Elvis costume tore away and you ran off naked into the surrounding woods.

Dr. Crankset, federal authorities have issued a warrant for your arrest. You will be apprehended by a federal, state, or local law enforcement in the near future. But I strongly advise that you turn yourself in as a gesture of good faith. It will go easier on you in court.


Capt. George L. Tirebiter

Chief of Security

The letter was returned to Capt. Tirebiter with this hastily scrawled message along the top:

Doctor Crankset will not be available in the near future. He is on sabbatical at the Universidad de Guadalahara in Mexico....his secretary.

Wally doesn't have a secretary. Let's hope the Mexican authorities don't have any outstanding warrants on him.



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