The scourge of spandex bums

Here's the May column for Ask Dr. Wally from the Wheel Issues newsletter.


Dear Dr. Wally Every spring, hordes of bicyclists commandeer our local roads, delaying traffic, frightening livestock, and shocking innocent women and children with their outrageous attire. These bums in spandex are an affront to common decency with their skin-tight clothing and abhorrently loud colors. What can we do to get them to be more like normal people?

Peeved in Poteau

Bums in spandex? Peeved, you made a funny!

Actually, Peeved, I'm trying to get our local club to adopt more comfortable clothing for the summer months. The traditional Arab thobe, a loose, long sleeved garment that covers down to the ankles, would offer welcome respite from Oklahoma's summer heat. My girlfriend mistakenly calls it a "bernice." It think she means "bernoose" but she's overly fond of both floral patterns and copious amounts of red wine. And she's making dinner so I'm willing to overlook minor foibles.

I tried riding in baggy cargo shorts, but they tend to get hooked over the nose of the saddle. That wasn't really a big problem...until I stood up to climb a hill. Sure, I stood up but the shorts stayed down. It gave some elderly ladies the vapors and lead to a long chat with the local constabulary. I wore a big, ornamented sombrero that day, and it didn't help my case. The cops were certain I'd escaped from an asylum somewhere. Dunno why.

If I can figure a way to keep my thobe from getting caught in the spokes, it should work well for bicycling especially if there's a tailwind. It's like a sail! Then all I have to do is figure out how to keep rednecks, local cops, the highway patrol and Homeland Security from stopping me every half mile.

I'll let you know how this works out right after I find that sombrero.

Dr. Wally

Next month: Weight loss on the County Jail Diet Plan