Ask Doctor Wally

Dear Dr. Crankset

There's a guy in my workgroup who has a new xPhone. He uses it to play the same idiotic YouTube video over and over for any passerby. At lunch, he's watching music videos that blare (badly) from those tinny speakers. What can I do about this tool?

Annoyed in Atoka

Dear Ann,

You're right. He's a tool. Get some good earplugs for yourself and go buy a boom box. Then play ABBA's Greatest Hits over and over again until insanity sets in. It normally takes as much as several minutes. Call security to have him carted away.

Dear Dr. Crankset,

Recently, one of the cyclists in our club purchased an xPhone which he attached to his handlebars. On training rides, he checks his email, plays music for the rest of us, and uses an application that makes the xPhone into a bike computer. He babbles on about it without pause and it's getting on my nerves. What should I do?

Peeved in Poteau

Dear Peevy,

I've been told that xPhones make lovely gift suppositories, and while your fellow club rider already has one, imagine how thrilled he'd be with another! Chances are, the other club riders would be very willing to assist in giving him that gift.

Dear Dr. Crankset,

Here's a first! My workplace uses golf carts and heavy duty bicycles for moving people and small packages. Most of the bikes are the heavy, balloon-tired newsboy style, but today someone rode down the hall on a fast, sleek road bike! By fast and sleek, I mean pedestrians had to dodge out of his way. This moron was sprinting through a hallway lined with doors that can open in an instant, allowing an unsuspecting pedestrian to step into the path of a vehicle. This was a problem with some cart drivers, so my co-workers installed 'speed bumps' - two inch thick planks that forced the vehicles to slow down. Management made them remove the planks, saying they were a 'safety hazard' for the cart drivers. Does someone have to get hit before they grow some sense?

Ticked in Tulsa

Dear Ticked,
By any chance, is that first xPhone guy one of your management people? My first thought would be to carry something liquid, like maybe a big cup of hot coffee, and accidentally dump it on the jerk when he startles you. That would be wrong, though. Instead, bring up the subject as a possible safety violation and see that your management is informed IN WRITING of the incidents. Keep copies and let them know that if a crash occurs, they have previous notification of a safety violation and they've chosen to ignore it. Plaintiff's attorneys love that.

Next time on Ask Doctor Wally: Wild vampire monkeys attack cyclists in Pennsylvania - Threat or Menace?