Mmmmm! Coffee!

How to make coffee at 5 AM.

There's nothing quite as nice as fresh, hot coffee on an early morning commute. Here's how it's made.



First, locate the kitchen. It's a large room equipped with a refrigerator, stove, sink, microwave, and a whole lot of gadgets that serve no known function. Somewhere in that room there should be a lightswitch. Turn it on.



Locate the tea kettle, a large closed vessel meant for boiling water. Put fresh water inside it from the sink, then place the tea kettle atop the stove. Turn on the burner, being careful to see that it's really burning and not merely filling the room with natural gas. Ignoring this step can lead to a powerful explosion or slow asphyxiation. If something smells funny and it's not you, double check to see that the burner is truly on.



While the water heats, get an insulated water bottle from the cupboard. Place it on the countertop next to the stove. Be sure the open end of the bottle is facing up.

Find the Melitta one-cup drip coffee maker. It may be in the cupboard next to the coffee cups or it may be in the dishwasher. Place it on top of the water bottle which should still be sitting on the countertop with the open end facing up.



Find the No.2 coffee filters in the cupboard next to the stove. It says No.2 on the box. There are some No.4 filters in there too, but they're reserved for an advanced lesson in coffee making.



Put the filter in the drip coffee maker.



Find the coffee. It may be beans or it may already be ground. If it's ground, add 2 teaspoons to the filter. That's 2 teaspoons of coffee, not 2 teaspoons from the drawer.



If only coffee beans are available, add about 3 teaspoons to the coffee grinder. They'll be more compact once they've been ground. Turn the grinder on and after the beans are finished, put the coffee in the Melitta filter.

When the water is almost boiling, pour it over the coffee in the filter. Be sure the Melitta device is still sitting atop the water bottle and that the water bottle has its open end facing up. Add just a little bit of water at first in order to settle the grounds. Once they're saturated, add the rest of the water.

This is sometimes a tricky judgment call. If you add too much water, the bottle overfills and it slops over the side onto the counter top. One way to prevent a mess is to put a saucer under the bottle. If you add too little water, however, the coffee will be very strong and roughly the same viscosity as used motor oil.

After the water finishes dripping through the Melitta device, remove the coffee maker from atop the water bottle. Dump the filter and grounds into the trash and place the coffee maker in the sink.

Add sugar and creamer to taste - in the coffee - not in the sink. Place the bottle into its holder on the bike and prepare to leave the house. One on the street, promptly fumble the bottle, spilling the very hot contents down onto your jersey and legs. Stop and use some colorful language to express your dismay before turning around for a change of clothing.

At this point, you should be fully awake.