Monday, December 12, 2005

My Christmas List...

Each of us has a list of things we'd like to receive at Christmas. Naturally, those of us who are cycling-obsessed have a bunch of desirables we'd like to find under the tree. So, with that in mind, here's my list. I've left off a Democratic administration in the White House this year, because I suspect that Santa, what with wearing a red suit and all, probably wouldn't deliver it anyway.

A multi-tool that weighs next to nothing, won't break, won't round off fasteners, or worse, break them off too. Honestly, I've used a lot of tools that were poorly designed, heavy, or simply didn't fit properly. They're a danger both to my bike and my hands.

Magic saddle dust. All the magic has worn off from mine! Let's just say we've developed some sore points, and let it go at that. A trial separation may be in order.

A personal masseuse named Inga, or Suzette, or Sophia. If she had a French maid's uniform, that would be nice, too. Additionally, a damn good lawyer, assuming that I remain alive. I did teach Mary to shoot straight, didn't I?

A bullhorn. This is something that would be wonderful to play with! Imagine the fun of working in the garage and using the bull horn to say, "Honey! Can you bring me a beer?" Or what about walking into the teenage boy's room before dawn and saying, "Hey! Time to get up!" Of course, every cyclist could use one. "Why don't you drive your CAR up on the sidewalk, ya %&*@#!"

A Viking helmet and a broadsword. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a helmet with horns sticking out the sides and maybe a little fur around the brim? One of those fur vests would be nice too, provided it wasn't one of Sonny and Cher's cast offs. I could change my name to Juan and yell, "There can be only Juan!" With a Viking helmet and a sword, I probably wouldn't need a bullhorn as any sane motorist wouldn't dare honk or yell.

An on-board espresso machine powered by a hub generator. Ah, the luxury of hot coffee on the bike! I'm not thinking about one of the high-tech Italian espresso machines seemingly designed by NASA. I just want something simple that can deliver good coffee while I ride. Of course, there's all that steam to consider, and I really could think of some uses for it. Propulsion comes to mind first, but it would be equally useful at blistering the paint off of passing motor vehicles, instead of relying on language alone.

A can of Instant Gunk. This is an aerosol that you use on someone else's bike, for instance, that annoying guy who shows up for group rides on an absolutely pristine bicycle. Instant Gunk dulls the finish, makes tires go lumpy, puts globs of lubricant on the chain, and adds pieces of grass and clumps of cat hair to the freewheel. It makes handlebar tape unravel too, making his bike look more like a normal bike. He'll need a week to sort it all out, just in time for the next group ride.

Wow! That's clearly a tall order for Santa. Let's hope he not feeling grumpy again this year, because much as I liked getting an entire case of Spaghetti-O's last Christmas, the novelty kind of wore off after eating them every day for a month.

4 Comments:

Blogger bikefridaywalter said...

wow, that just got weirder and weirder, ed.

all seriousness aside, try a crank brothers multi tool. and you might like the airzound air horn. it's at least nice to use against honking motorists. they'll usually back off, assuming you're crazy.

which in your case, might be true, but.. :)

12:34 AM  
Blogger George said...

My next door neighbor has a bullhorn.

He uses it to shout at the drivers that speed down our street.

4:51 AM  
Blogger Coelecanth said...

I second the Crank Bro's multi-tool suggestion. It lacks a knife for picking out glass from tires and a bottle opener but if you can't find a place on a bike to open a bottle you shouldn't be drinking. Or riding for that matter.

The airzounds are loud enough to cause heart failure in unsuspecting pedestrians: fun. They don't work in very cold weather. -15c or so.

Good luck with the rest of it, I could use some of those things myself.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Ed W said...

I have an ancient Cool Tool that I leave on the commuter bike. It's actually a pretty well thought out tool, but it's heavy, and it's definitely something that hard on the hand. It's prone to rust too, so I have to be aware of the weather.

As for horns - I've thought about it, but the human voice is so much more...um...creative.

6:20 PM  

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