Saturday, May 27, 2006

Lanterne Rouge: Investment Opportunity

I get these Nigerian scam emails now and then, and most are deleted without ever being opened. But I was curious enough to read this one, and I was felling somewhat sarcastic that morning, so I wrote the following reply. I didn't send it, of course. NEVER reply to one of these. It only confirms that they've hit a valid email address.

This was first run in Red Dirt Pedalers "Wheel Issues".

Lanterne Rouge: Investment Opportunity

South Africa

I feel quite safe dealing with you in this important business. However, this correspondence is private, and it should be treated in strict confidence. This transaction is 100% risk and trouble free to both parties.

I must transfer USD 168,559,000.00 from our bank here in South Africa. The transfer is of clean origin. The owner of the fund is a foreigner, a program leader who was believed to acquire the fund through his secret Crude Oil deal with the Former IRAQI government. The deceased died with all the members of his family in an auto-accident in June 23, 1999 without a WILL.

I want to transfer this money into your account as the foreign beneficiary of the fund. I know that this letter will come to you as a surprise as we don't know ourselves before, BUT BE SURE THAT IT IS REAL AND A GENUINE BUSINESS. I CONTACT YOU BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL NOT LET ME DOWN ONCE THE FUND GOES INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.
Waiting to hear from and thanks for anticipated reply.
Regards, Dr. Mfana MXXXX


Gosh, Doc, what an honor! So I greatly regret having to turn you down. We're kind of flush with cash right now. In fact, so many similar offers have come in that I'm finding it difficult to store it all! There are boxes full of currency in every room of the house because the banks refuse to take anymore. I've been giving my kids bundles of hundreds to give away to their friends at school. I even thought of using the cash as paper towels because the rag content would make them fairly durable, but bills simply aren't big enough or absorbent enough.

The bags of gold coins are a little more useful in that we can melt them down for fishing sinkers, and they added some valuable weight for traction in the back of the pickup. But with spring coming we'll have to find another purpose for them. Perhaps we could get rid of them at a garage sale.

The sacks of diamonds are pretty, but we haven't found a good use for them yet. The kids like them as ammunition for their slingshots but they cause a lot of flat tires when the kids leave diamonds strewn all over our driveway.

On the other hand, if you were to convert the cash to kielbasa and sauerkraut futures, we could probably reach an agreement. Alternatively you could invest the money in the bicycle business with my assistance. Simply contact the office of my attorney—Whee, Cheatam, and Howe for further information. Of course, $168 million and change would be sufficient to purchase most of the bicycle teams on the planet, so if you're interested in pursuing that idea, consider investing most or all of the cash in our professionals here in Oklahoma—Team Bogus. I'll send you the contact information.


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