(It's time once again for a heartwarming letter from a child writing to Santa Claus. Enjoy!)
I have only one request this year, unlike previous years when I've asked for a bewildering list of goodies that would have loaded your sleigh down so heavily all the reindeer would have hernias. I can understand your reluctance to deliver all that stuff what with the potential liability and all those worker's comp claims. OK, I get it, though you have to admit that having my very own Playboy mansion fully stocked, and, um, 'staffed' with a dizzying array of young women would have made me the envy of all the other kids in the neighborhood. Give the idea some further consideration this year, though I recognize it's not a priority, remember that you'll have a suite permanently reserved. I hear the North Pole gets cold, but you'll have a place to stay that includes hot tubs and babes in bikinis. Think about it as Plan B.
So what I have to write may hit you as a shock. Sit down and take a deep breath. What I really, really want this Christmas is a new bike. That's a new bike, mind you, not another hand-me-down from my cousin Greg, even if it has a new coat of paint. I mean, c'mon, who did you think you were fooling with a paint job so fresh it was still tacky on Christmas morning? Greg watched as I unwrapped it and he giggled uncontrollably. After dinner, I took him out to the garage and beat him senseless. Honestly, I don't think he was expecting a black eye and a split lip. And I've always heard it was better to give than receive. Now I know that it's true.
As compensation for my disappointment at receiving his old bike, Greg gave me his new DVD player. At subsequent family gatherings throughout the year, he gave me his wristwatch and iPod, but what I found most intriguing and instructional was his collection of DVDs, particularly “The Godfather”, “Goodfellas”, “Casino”, and “The Sopranos”. Greg offered these as gifts as a way of avoiding further misunderstandings. Most of the time, the bruises didn't even show.
But getting back to that bike, Santa, I'd like something special, a bike that would make all my friends envious. So a discount store bike is out of the question. Even a run-of-the-mill Trek or Cannondale wouldn't have the style I'm seeking. Something hand-made by a craftsman steeped in the traditions of decades of bicycling might be more suitable. I'd like a bike that's both aesthetically pleasing and brutally functional, art and speed combined in one purpose built machine.
I know that's asking a lot, Santa, and it may be difficult to come up with such a bike on short notice. If it's not possible to find one, please consider falling back on Plan B. I know you wouldn't want me to be disappointed.
PS – Tell the elves their contributions this month were a little short. We'll have a meeting about that after the first of the year.