On the campaign trail with Wally Crankset
BROKEN ELBOW METEOR NEWS
WALLY CRANKSET NARROWLY ESCAPES ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT
Democratic vice presidential hopeful, Dr. Walter Crankset narrowly avoided an assassination attempt earlier today. An onlooker at his campaign stop here in Karma threw an improvised explosive device toward the candidate. She was identified as Wanda Sue Neidermeier of Broken Elbow, Dr. Crankset's fourth or fifth ex-wife, who is alleged to have made several attempts on his life previously. Dr. Crankset was delivering a speech in yet another abandoned Sinclair station when Ms. Neidermeier threw an aerosol can of Febreeze with a burning M-80 attached. Apparently she believed the contents would ignite and form a huge fireball engulfing the candidate. Febreeze, however, is not flammable.
The M-80, a large and powerful version of a firecracker, exploded and allowed the contents of the aerosol can to vent. Mrs. Edna Millay, Democratic Committee Chair in Karma, said that the old Sinclair station had never smelled so nice. “It's like a breath of fresh air,” she said, “with only a tiny hint of old motor oil. It's a real improvement!”
When asked, Dr. Crankset declined to press charges. “Wanda is a little excitable,” he said. “She has a good heart and this just shows that she still cares about me. If she'd wanted to do some harm, she'd have brought her pistol along. That woman's a fine shot.”
Dr. Crankset's security detail surrounded him closely for the remainder of his time in Karma. It still has not been confirmed that they are a detail from the US Secret Service as it is an all-female security squad. This unusual group has been dubbed as the 'Amazons' by some local interests opposed to the Crankset campaign.