Monday, September 01, 2008

On the campaign trail with Wally Crankset



Democratic vice presidential hopeful, Dr. Walter Crankset narrowly avoided an assassination attempt earlier today. An onlooker at his campaign stop here in Karma threw an improvised explosive device toward the candidate. She was identified as Wanda Sue Neidermeier of Broken Elbow, Dr. Crankset's fourth or fifth ex-wife, who is alleged to have made several attempts on his life previously. Dr. Crankset was delivering a speech in yet another abandoned Sinclair station when Ms. Neidermeier threw an aerosol can of Febreeze with a burning M-80 attached. Apparently she believed the contents would ignite and form a huge fireball engulfing the candidate. Febreeze, however, is not flammable.

The M-80, a large and powerful version of a firecracker, exploded and allowed the contents of the aerosol can to vent. Mrs. Edna Millay, Democratic Committee Chair in Karma, said that the old Sinclair station had never smelled so nice. “It's like a breath of fresh air,” she said, “with only a tiny hint of old motor oil. It's a real improvement!”

When asked, Dr. Crankset declined to press charges. “Wanda is a little excitable,” he said. “She has a good heart and this just shows that she still cares about me. If she'd wanted to do some harm, she'd have brought her pistol along. That woman's a fine shot.”

Dr. Crankset's security detail surrounded him closely for the remainder of his time in Karma. It still has not been confirmed that they are a detail from the US Secret Service as it is an all-female security squad. This unusual group has been dubbed as the 'Amazons' by some local interests opposed to the Crankset campaign.

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Blogger Jamie Fellrath said...

The use of Febreze in this attack puts the suspicion on another bike blogger we all know... could it be a conspiracy against Dr. Crankset?

2:12 PM  
Blogger Ed W said...

Are you suggesting a conspiracy exists involving Wanda, Fritz Delicious, and perhaps the Professional Golfers Association? Heaven forfend! I've long suspected the PGA, because who would suspect guys who dress like that are capable of plotting global domination? I ask you! And Delicious probably has a two or three bottle a day Febreze habit. It's sad in a way. All that talent thrown away for a fresh scent.

4:04 PM  
Blogger Jamie Fellrath said...

Almost - only it's the LPGA, hence the Amazons.

You've mentioned in the past that Dr. Crankset's personal hygiene is not the best. Mr. Delicioso probably remembered this, and used poor Wanda as his unwitting pawn to "freshen" the good(?) Doctor.

It's all pretty clear to me.

4:22 PM  
Blogger Ed W said...

You gotta know we're having too much fun with this. Those black helicopters will be hovering over the house again.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Jamie Fellrath said...

There are a few things we can take away from this:

1. Dr. Crankset needs to take a bath.

2. The LPGA is the militant arm of the PGA. And possibly FEMA.

3. The real victory in bike advocacy will come when the Men in Black ride black Electra Amsterdam bikes around instead of riding in black helicopters.

4. Fritz is cruising for a Febreze intervention.

6:15 AM  
Blogger Yokota Fritz said...

You've found the MONKEY ELECTRIC ALLEYCAT checkpoint, sponsored by FEBREZE and Wally Crankset's A Brand New Day Coalition for Peace, Justice and Zombie Extermination.

Next stop -- go north into Kansas to visit Warren T. He has a nice stop sign video for you, and maybe some snacks and water. And a good spritz of Febreze, also.

2:20 PM  
Blogger Ed W said...

Welcome Monkey Electric Alleycat competitiors! Stay awhile and enjoy a refreshing bottle of Oklahoma mountain spring water with just a hint of Febreze. Well, OK, so there aren't any real mountains in Oklahoma, but it sounds better than heavily chlorinated water from Spavinaw Lake. It tastes better too.

Have fun!

9:32 AM  
Blogger Adam Durand said...

Thanks, Ed W, for the hospitality. I'll stick to distilled water, thanks.

5:35 PM  
Blogger GhostRider said...

checkpoint 14...sign my waybill and let me go!

5:49 PM  
Blogger Shane Rhodes said...

I'll take whatever water I can get at this point.

6:29 PM  
Blogger getinlost said...

I neeed a beer after this. Alley cat check in.

6:53 PM  
Blogger John Calnan said...

thanks to FEBREZE and Wally Crankset's A Brand New Day Coalition for Peace, Justice and Zombie Extermination for helping with the alleycat race. checkpoint!

7:49 PM  
Blogger Bike Jax said...


10:02 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Checking in

8:58 AM  
Blogger David said...

powaba says !t00w

9:18 AM  
Blogger Henry said...

Crankset alley cat.....

9:52 AM  
Blogger Major Icehole said...


11:40 AM  
Blogger gholt said...

Greaet blog. Alley cat checking in.

11:56 AM  
Blogger scooter said...

so it seems the moral of the story is that karma can bite you in the ass, at least if you have a little febreeze.

rollin with alley cat.

5:40 PM  
Blogger max said...


8:47 PM  
Blogger Starry-eyed illusion said...

zombie extermination? very interesting indeed...checkpoint check!

ps. starry-eyed illusion is another name for me...agdrockstar :)

1:22 PM  
Blogger Rae said...

ha nice stop...

6:47 PM  

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